Forks were invented for a purpose

For Hashim: The better to stab you with
The better to stab you with, originally uploaded to flickr by yaznotjaz.

Last night, I joined ZMan and my sister and our friend F in Berkeley for dinner and dessert (gelato!) and a catching-up session. I’d not seen Z since our South Bay dinner back in November, and we decided it must have been a year (or even two) since I’d crossed paths with F.

The sister hadn’t been able to resist & refuse the Half Price Books down the street, so she came armed to dinner with a bunch of rocking books (including much poetry! and headwrap photos!) for us to flip through. Z was the mastermind (I mean, muthafuckle) behind this gathering, and celebrated his temporary return to Berkeley by calling us together on good ol’ Shattuck. Thanks to GChat, it didn’t even feel like it’d been so long since we last met. And F – well, F is by turns caustic, sarcastic, and hilariously inappropriate. Some people just never change, even though he would defensively retort, “No, I’m not!” whenever we groaned at his jokes and said, “Oh, F, you’re still exactly the same.”

Midway through the evening, after he had figured out I’m 27 years old, his response was basically along the lines of Whoa, you really need to get married. I just rolled my eyes and laughed, and F added with a wink and suggestive glance, “May you should just marry me.”

“Umm, you’re younger than I am.”

“But I’m taller!”

End of the evening: “Yasmine, let’s make a pact. If you’re not married in a year, I’ll let you be my second wife.”

“Dude,” I said, “what makes YOU think you’ll even have a FIRST wife in one month…err, I mean, one year?”

F: “I can get a wife in one month!”

I came home and changed my GMail status to:

still laughing about F telling me i need to marry a “rich man with a big army.”

As always, I love it when friends chime in with their own commentary:

Here’s HijabMan:

HMan: you do :)
BIG army.
china big.
not guam big.
me: hahahaha
WHY do i need an army?!
HMan: stabbing lessons.
me: ahhh, that’s right
so i can train the army, and then they can conduct the stabbing sessions for me, wherever necessary

Here’s fathima:

so when you say something that belies your height and someone demands “yeah, you and whose army,” you can be all, “my husband’s! that’s whose!”
and then make feminists cry

Here’s Adnan:

but then he’ll go out and marry a richer man, with a bigger army.
let him marry first, so you can get the last laugh.

Here’s Anjum:

Anjum: dude
you do not need a big army for that.
you need a ninja army for that!!
c’mon yaara
for ultra secret stabbing
this is why you should listen to me always
not HMan
well, let me know when you get an army
cuz i am a ninja in training.
me: you are SO my first recruit!
Anjum: success!


And one last, hilarious memory of last night’s dinner, a disapproving comment from F, who refuses to engage in physical contact and only gives me “air highfives” (and that, too, only after I harassed him): “If you’re going to go around highfiving guys, you might as well move on to dating them.”

This, coming from a guy whose conversation is peppered with double entendres. I was so flabbergasted, I really had no response.

10 thoughts on “Forks were invented for a purpose

  1. In HIgh School I would do air handshakes, and air fives, now in the adult world, its alot harded to explain why i won’t shake hands with the viminz.

  2. when i want to visit your blog, for some reason i end up typing “yasmine” into the browser address bar. then when it doesn’t autocomplete to a url, i realize my wrong doing.

    does anyone else go through the same thing?

  3. anjum,
    i still like your ninja idea (although hman’s “china big, not guam big” hella cracks me up, too), because ninjas are BADASS. also, your “highfiving being the gateway drug to dating” line has been making me laugh to myself all day long. i was even sitting in jummah this afternoon and giggling inwardly about that! hahaha

    a few years ago, i went an entire year without shaking hands with guys (or even highfiving them, for that matter), and i can pretty much unarguably say it was the hardest thing i’ve ever done, to date (err, no pun intended). an air highfive to you for having the discipline and conviction for sticking to it!

    total rockstars, all of you! thanks for adding amusement to my life. =) also, your nod to double entendres is pretty funny, considering that i just saw this. hahaha

    it was too much the greatness, and i’m still in lowve with all those books you bought, buddy boy. POETRY! yummy!

    you know what’s funny? when i type ‘yasmine’ into my browser and hit enter, it takes me to the wikipedia page for yasmine bleeth. and i can’t believe i just sat here and read the entire entry. wow, just wow.

  4. My dad used to always say I needed to marry a man with a LOT of patience. And possibly, a hearing problem. But I like the idea of an army better. Then I could invade things – like Baskin Robbins…… yessssss

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