An open letter in which I indulge in the blasphemy that is supposedly my forte

Dear God,

Have I told You lately how awesome I think You are? Well, You are. I’m sure You already knew that, but I just thought I’d reiterate it. I mean, You’re so awesome, You approach our relationship in the best way ever, which is to say You leave me alone. You let me screw up and figure stuff out on my own and find my way back to You in my own time. Just for that patience and mercy on your part, I’m grateful.

And now that we’ve gotten all the mushiness out of the way, let’s get right down to the point (because You know I can’t handle mushiness).

So, God, I’ve always thought you have a sense of humor. I mean, going back through my email outbox and chuckling at this article every few months makes me feel horrifically guilty, but that still doesn’t stop me from laughing. I know it’s horrible of me, but I can’t stop finding it funny.

And since You (hopefully) have a sense of humor, please take the following request in the most lighthearted manner possible, alright? But pay attention. ‘Cause I’m serious.

The point of this letter is to tell you how much I disapprove of this seriously cracked-out weather you’ve decided to bless Northern California with recently. I mean, Dude, what’s going on? All I see is rain and clouds and rain and mini pieces of hail showering down everywhere, and then more rain. This is California, God! Land of sunshine and oranges and happy cows and Real California Cheese! But most importantly, SUNSHINE!

Yeah, the sunshine. Where’s it at, God?

Here’s what I think You need to do: You need to send the rain elsewhere. Like, to Ireland or Washington state or England or wherever else people are excited about the damn incessant rain. Even Greenland; Greenland sounds like they would need a whole lot of rain in order to keep their green land green. Yessiree bob – err, I mean, God.

But California is not Greenland. We don’t want to be Greenland (even if people in Greenland – at least, the jailed ones – are having way more fun than us right about now). We don’t like green, either. We like red, orange, and yellow: sunshine colors! No one in California is excited about the rain, that’s for sure. Except, perhaps, my very own father, who saw the storm outside his bedroom window yesterday afternoon and gleefully remarked, “It’s raining! That’s wonderful! I was starting to get tired of the sun and warmth!”

Tired of it. Did You hear that, God? (Of course You did.) That was blasphemy, right there. You know it.

So, yeah, You need to calm down with that infernal rain, Dude. Ooh, “infernal” – that makes me think of “furnace.” Yes, that’s just what we need to be feeling in California: nice and toasty warm. But not like Hell, alright? I mean, 75F-ish is all I’m asking. Okay, okay, today’s the last day of February, I know. How ’bout 65? I can handle that.

Tomorrow. That’s what this whole thing is about. I need sunshine tomorrow. Come on, God, get with the program! Beginning of a brand-new month and all that. Let’s start it off on a nice, sunshine-y foot. You know I don’t care at all about the rest of that drama, as long as it’s nice and sunny and warm. That’s all I ask. Also, sunshine on Friday would be rocking of You, too, because Friday is also important. So let’s get the sunshine started for Wednesday and Friday, and that would make you my favorite Rockstar ever. Seriously.

Basically, I will be pissed if you let it rain tomorrow. Don’t make me shake my fist at you, God.

Just in case You don’t find all this as amusing as I do, and decide You need to smite me down, I won’t be free tomorrow. But I’m pretty sure I’ve got next week all open and clear for smiting purposes. Thanks much.

And, just so You know (which of course You do), there are plenty of other people besides me whom You could focus on smiting instead. Like, all the crazy extremists and politicians and bad people in general who are helping this world go to the dogs. And the California DMV, which decided I can’t use credit cards to pay for my driver’s license renewal. Really, God, You think I walk around with wads of cash all the time? Come on, now.

And especially smite-able are those mean people with fat, pudgy feet who try on all the pretty, 80%-off flip-flops at department stores and stretch them out so that when I – with my skinny feet, thank You very much – come along and try them on, all I do is slip ‘n’ slide down the aisle because my feet won’t stay in the sandals. That’s right, those are the people you should be smiting, is what. I mean, do You understand how many pairs of flip-flops I coulda bought today, God? Seriously. A lot, is what.

Oh, except Somayya has pudgy feet, and she’s my favorite partner-in-crime, so I’ll have to re-think this smiting business and get back to You, alright?

(You know I love You. I just have a weird way of showing it, is all.)

Don’t forget, now! Sunshine tomorrow!

In gratitude for Your light,

[Thanks to HijabMan for the Greenland link. Way to start a day with laughs.]

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